Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
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Buck naked
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy