scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
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I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
Breaking news:
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
No, he would not have.
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate