i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
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There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
đź“·: elevasseur
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…