Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
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Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
My circle of trust is a meatball
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?