Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
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If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.