My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
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The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM