Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
You Might Also Like
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
#ParentingFacts
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.