A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
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As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
There is wisdom there.
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
This can never not be funny 😭😭
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…