When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
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Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”