At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
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Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
Is anyone gonna tell them?
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.