8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
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I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
this is me
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
lol
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.