I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
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partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july