You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
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my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
The A string on my guit_r is flat
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
My support group can outdrink your support group.
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
You can’t outrun your problems…
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.