this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
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I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
#CoronaOutbreak
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.