Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
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Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness