ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
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Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]