If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
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[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
Fries, not lies.
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
Things will get butter, keep churning
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude