Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
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One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.