Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
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‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
Welcome to the stomach
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”