if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
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A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.