British people be like I’m Bri ish
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My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys