I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
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Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people