Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
You Might Also Like
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.