Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
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My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
Risking my life for fun.
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.