[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
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Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
bears
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
My new favorite headline
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!