I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
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[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
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I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
then why did i get this email
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.