Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
You Might Also Like
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken