It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
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Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.