There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
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*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?