“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
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*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
A family that plays together cheats.
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read