If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
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When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
guys i’ve cracked the code
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”