EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
You Might Also Like
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
Cheer up.
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
💯😂
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌