Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
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I just died 馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
a public service announcement
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I鈥檓 not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
Me: I know something we can do tonight 馃槈
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I鈥檓 holding hands
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.