ugh not again
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[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.