Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
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Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.