Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
You Might Also Like
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.