What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
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Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)