Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
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I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock