Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
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After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
Incredible customer service.
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
Guys, I found it.
When I said I liked it rough.
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied