Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
You Might Also Like
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
*watches the world burn*
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]