I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
You Might Also Like
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.