Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
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My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”