I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
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I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
an airline just for babies.
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff