My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
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Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
…..pretty much.
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.