ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
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My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.