long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
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If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.