Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
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[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
Sounds like a bargain
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you