going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
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Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.