If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
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My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
that de-escalated quickly
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.