The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
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PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.